


A Guide to Being an Exile

by bygoshbygolly



Category: Inda series - Sherwood Smith
Genre: Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 18:11:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8763637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bygoshbygolly/pseuds/bygoshbygolly
Summary: Shen's earliest memories are of Fox, and the things he teaches her.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jenn_Calaelen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenn_Calaelen/gifts).



Shen’s first memory is Fox teaching her how to fall. No doubt she had been taught first by their mother, but what she remembers is Fox, mouth thin with impatience, saying “No, Shen, like this,” before falling perfectly and springing back up.

“You need to learn how to fall properly, Shen, so you can get back up and keep fighting,” he said. "Otherwise, you're dead." Later she would realize that he was simply repeating what they had been taught, but it’s the first time she can remember hearing it, and it seems so profound at the time. That’s what their whole life is about, after all—getting back up and fighting, with words and knowledge, against their family's exile. 

Another early memory is playing games of ‘What If?’ with Fox, the two of them lying on the floor in his bedroom. Fox’s suggestions were always variations on a theme—What if their father was king? What if Fox went to the Academy? What if Shen was betrothed, and lived elsewhere? What would you do? How would you make this happen? This last scenario frightened her as a young child, before she realized that it was her homebound life that was the exception rather than the rule.

Shen’s scenarios tended towards the fanciful—What if their family were mages? What if everyone could see ghosts?—until Fox told her one day that she was being babyish. That was when she realized that these What If games were more than just idle fantasies. That they were, _are_ , a way of life for the Montredavan-Ans. Her family is bound by their past, and they cling to it. They cannot escape it and yet they wish to return to it, the past-before, when they were still kings. So they live their lives in a bitter haze of what-should-have-been, and prepare for the day when their exile is lifted. They must get back up and fight after having, through no fault of their own, fallen.

* * *

Shen has adored Fox for as long as she can remember. He’s fast and strong, and he answers her questions without fussing about her age. He encourages her to think things through. He laughs when she makes a good joke and appreciates when she makes an interesting observation. He doesn’t insist, the way her mother sometimes does, that she spend more time with Marend Jaya-Vayir, his betrothed. Shen likes Marend, but she’s not a Montredavan-An, with all the baggage that name carries. Marend’s understanding of Shen’s family is learned, while Shen feels like both she and Fox were born resenting the Montrei-Vayirs for what they did to their family.

Of course, Fox isn’t always kind to her; he can be cranky and snappish and he never pulls his blows, despite being four years older. He resents that she is allowed to go to the capital for the Queen’s Training, while he can never attend the academy. Shen, in turn, resents that he is allowed to have a life outside Darchelde, to leave Iasca-Leror and go to sea. 

The both of them resent their father for his drinking and despair.

Despite any squabbles they may have, they understand one other, and that’s a comfort. He tells her, once, in a rare moment in which he is both honest and absent mockery, that he admires how cheerful she is. At the time she has no reply, but as she gets older she thinks of that moment often. She wishes she could go back tell him that her demeanor is as much a decision as it is natural—so many things have been denied her, but she’ll be damned if her happiness is one of them. She wonders if that knowledge would change anything for him.

Probably not.

Then comes the news that Fox has been lost at sea, and for a whole year Shen plays at What Ifs, hoping that one of them will come true and he’ll return home. She can’t fall forever, though, nor would Fox want her to, so on the one-year anniversary of the news of his loss she picks herself back up and readies herself for the next fight.

* * *

Tdor’s letter is the first time Shen lets herself think about the possibility of Fox being alive in years. The description—red hair, green eyes—and the name aren’t indisputable proof that the man in the letter is her brother, but they’re enough, more than enough, to rekindle the old hopes. That Fox is alive, with Inda, and might come back home, is almost too much to bear.

Shen is grateful the girls let her go. She feels like the first time she won a fight against Fox—confused and elated and in pain. The world is shifting underneath her feet, and she needs a few moments in order to regain her balance. This news changes things, and Shen realizes that things have been changing for a while, ever so slowly. What Ifs are becoming more possible. Her brother is alive.

She can't be certain it's Fox, but she chooses to believe. And with that belief comes a rush of energy. There's an opportunity here, she realizes, to stir up some mischief and irritate the Harskialdna. That spreading news of Inda's deeds might help her friends is an added benefit.

This is what Fox has taught her; this is what her whole life is about. Her actions today won't end her family's exile, nor will they bring her brother back. They'll change things, though. She can tell. The world is changing, and she can push it to change a little more, a little faster.

One can only play What If for so long before taking action, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> (alternate title: Tubthumping)


End file.
